What False Promises Have You Made to Yourself?

The pain of divorce is real and raw and cuts you to the core. As a result, you probably made promises to yourself–sometimes called inner vows–so you won’t experience that kind of anguish ever again. That’s an understandable response, but those promises you make to yourself after a divorce can cause more harm than you realize. And they can keep you from experiencing the abundant life Jesus offers. There’s a better way to move forward out of the pain besides making inner vows. There’s a way to bring God’s healing and freedom from the past.

What Is an Inner Vow?

An inner vow is a promise you make to yourself in the middle of a very painful season or moment, and a divorce is definitely one of the most painful experiences a person can go through. Amid deep trauma or crisis–whether divorce, betrayal, death, or another painful event–we declare to ourselves (and possibly other people) that we will never allow ourselves to be put in that vulnerable place ever, ever again. And we affirm that commitment with an inner vow, which usually (but not always) begins with “I will never…” Here are some examples:

I’ll never trust a man (or woman) again.
I’ll never get married again.
I will never have kids.
I will be a single parent forever.
It’s my fault.
I am worthless.
I am damaged goods.
I will never forget that.
I will never forgive him (or her).
No one would want to marry me.
I will never be like my father (or mother).
I will never let someone hurt me that deeply again.
I’ll never trust God again.
I am not good enough.
I will never show weakness again.

When we make inner vows or promises to ourselves, we allow painful past experiences to dictate our future behavior–what we will or will not do, who we will or will not trust, what we will or will not choose to believe. On the surface, those inner vows feel protective and safe, but they are dangerous.

Why Are Inner Vows Actually False?

When you feel the sting of rejection or abandonment, you don’t want to feel that pain again, right? That’s normal. Nobody likes to experience hurt! To avoid emotional pain, you learn over time to create walls around yourself to keep the bad stuff away. One biting remark, and we put up a few bricks. Then a bad experience, and we add more bricks. Before long, we’ve created massive walls. They were created for our protection, and they feel comfortable and safe. However, those walls aimed at keeping the bad stuff out also keep the good stuff out, too. Those walls grow higher and higher and thicker and thicker, trapping you in the past and keeping you from moving forward in your life and enjoying all God wants for you. You think you are safe, but at some point, you realize you are a captive behind prison walls that you created. The truth is walls are a myth. The only way you can avoid any pain or rejection or hurt or misunderstanding is to never be in any relationship ever again.

What Does the Bible Say About Inner Vows?

Inner vows are destructive because they are declarations of our sovereignty over an area of our lives. We decide we are taking control of the future and will determine the direction of our life regardless of what God says. We put ourselves in charge. However, putting anything or anyone–including ourselves–in control of any area of our lives is idolatry. We are taking the place of God because we think we know better than God. (Yikes!) We think that by taking control we can protect ourselves from getting hurt again. The truth is, inner vows only cause additional pain.

How Do Inner Vows Cause Problems in Life and Relationships?

Inner vows seem innocent at the time. They are an expression of deep pain. You’ve probably made inner vows that you never even knew you voiced. (We will talk about how to recognize and get rid of them later.) But once spoken into existence, those promises you make to yourself take on a life of their own. There are at least four ways they cause problems in your life and your relationships.

Inner vows create an unteachable spirit. The moment you say, “I will never…” you plant the seed of defiance against any truth God may want to show you in an experience. Inner vows keep us from learning. They prevent us from gaining knowledge or uncovering a healthy solution to a situation. They also keep us from discovering new and sometimes less-than-flattering aspects of our character, attitudes, or beliefs.

Inner vows cause us to be irrational. Have you ever been in a conversation that seemed harmless, only to see the other person explode with such strong emotion that you wondered how the discussion escalated so quickly? Or maybe someone took your words to the extreme, far beyond what you ever intended? That’s what inner vows can do. They trigger such strong responses and emotions in us that we become irrational and unable to carry on a normal conversation. Those promises we make to ourselves are bound up in the emotions that created them in the first place, and any time you come near that pain point, those emotions take over.
Inner vows foster unforgiveness. The roots of those vows burrow themselves deep within our hearts as unforgiveness and bitterness, and they spread to infest every area of our lives–our marriage, career, parenting, and relationship with God. As a result, we find ourselves in bondage. Unforgiveness steals our joy and peace and leaves us unable to demonstrate or receive kindness or grace.

The truth is, unforgiveness has no place in the Kingdom of God. It doesn’t exist there. In fact, there is no person–not one–that God doesn’t love. And that includes your ex-spouse. Jesus loves and died for your ex and loves them with the same deep affection and grace and concern that He shows you every day.

Inner vows create destructive landmines. Remember those irrational responses that can pop up in seemingly normal conversations? When those occur, you’ve just stepped on someone’s emotional landmine. Those are places where inner vows have been hidden deep in our hearts, away from our conscious thought and behavior. And those mines could be attached to any area of life. Child discipline. Physical intimacy. Money. Even a word, a movie, or a place can be a landmine.

Landmines have very sensitive triggers. The deeper the hurt, the more sensitive the mine. You might come close to a landmine without even stepping on it, and BOOM! The conversation blows up in your face. Those mines are destructive because they prevent us from working through problems that have been festering like an irritated thorn under a nail. They keep us from developing healthy relationships.

How Do Inner Vows Show Up in Marriage?

Hidden vows won’t typically show up when you are dating. After all, you want to put your best foot forward. You don’t want to reveal too much of yourself too soon. As the relationship deepens, you might begin to share a few significant experiences and emotions, but those inner vows will probably stay hidden. In fact, at that stage in the relationship, you might not even know that you’ve made any vows.

Once you get engaged, you will begin to have some heart-to-heart conversations as you plan for your future with your future spouse. You will likely share a few painful encounters that brought about the inner vows. You might talk about places where you were unfairly wronged. Those inner vows feel justified and thus safe to expose. You may even feel like your future spouse will rescue you from the pain or affirm those inner vows as necessary for your survival.

After you get married and you move in together, the U-Haul arrives. Only this U-Haul doesn’t carry furniture or kitchen appliances. It carries all your emotional baggage–those inner vows you (and your spouse) so carefully tucked away for later. That baggage gets unpacked, and you find out that you both have tender pain points–those landmines created by inner vows. You have a disagreement over money. BOOM! You buy the wrong brand of toothpaste. BOOM. (It’s never, ever about the toothpaste.) You suggest a new way of organizing the cabinets. Boom. Boom. Boom. You step on landmines left and right because they cannot stay hidden, not when you do life together with someone else. In time, those landmines can devastate your marital landscape and hamper any attempts at growing a godly, healthy, marriage. The only way through that field is to sweep for landmines–to acknowledge those inner vows and renounce them. We will unpack that process (no pun intended) in the next blog.