How to Talk About an Ex-Spouse: 5 Tips for Constructive Conversation
Discussing ex-spouses can be a sensitive topic for blending couples. Divorce can be a gut-wrenching and traumatic season. Even under the best of circumstances, bringing up an ex-spouse in conversation can set your spouse on edge, tinkering on the brink of defensiveness. However, these discussions may be necessary. If one or both of you bring children into the marriage, you will likely have conversations regarding the co-parent. In some cases, however, ex-spouses may actively seek to sabotage your marriage, manipulate your children, or act in passive-aggressive ways. Avoiding the subject can breed resentment, misunderstanding, disunity, and a lack of trust. It is important to adopt basic guidelines so conversations regarding an ex-spouse can lead to peace, unity, and growth in your marriage.
Set Ground Rules
Before wading into any discussion about ex-spouses, it is crucial to establish healthy boundaries for conversations. This prevents an ex-spouse’s actions or attitudes from consuming your time, attention, and emotions. Here are some to consider:
-
Set time limits.
Together, set limits on how long and how often you talk about an ex-spouse. You may limit conversations to 30 minutes and only once a week unless the situation with the ex-spouse becomes untenable. Or you may be able to address any concerns during a weekly marriage and family business meeting (which we highly recommend).
-
Stay away from bashing.
Proverbs 10:19 says, “When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.” If you are not careful, one (or both) of you may turn the conversation into an ex-spouse bashing session. While it might feel good at the time, it does not address the problem you are facing. Remember, even if we do not feel the need honor or respect our ex-spouse, we still want to honor the Lord in our words and actions
-
Avoid comparisons.
If you are both divorced, it may be tempting to compare ex-spouses. Steer away from statements like, “At least my ex-spouse doesn’t ______________” or “Your ex-spouse is worse. He (or she) _______.” They do not move the conversation forward or contribute to a solution. Comparison kills open dialogue.
-
Call for a pause.
Conversations about an ex-spouse may trigger emotions or wounds that the Lord is still healing in you or your spouse. Agree to pause the discussion if either of you is feeling unsafe, exposed, embarrassed, or scared. And then come back together when emotions have calmed down and you are in the right frame of mind.
-
Keep it private.
Your children and stepchildren do not need to hear conversations about their other parents. They were never meant to carry the weight of that knowledge. Your opinion of their other parents is not for them to know. Wait until they go to bed, go to their other parent’s house, or at other opportune times when they are not present.
-
Ask God.
Before you start a conversation about an ex-spouse, spend time in God’s presence. Ask Him to infuse the discussion with His peace and His wisdom. Ask Him to guide the discussion and to give you the solutions that will honor Him and bring resolution to the conflict.
You and your spouse may determine other guardrails, such as not talking about the ex-spouse after a certain time of day, while you are on dates, or on days when you have set aside time for your marriage or family. Create the boundaries that work for your marriage and stick to them. They lay the groundwork for healthy conversations.
Express Empathy
Discussing ex-spouses may evoke a range of emotions for both partners. When your spouse shares ways they have been hurt or offended by your ex-spouse, show empathy and validate their feelings without judging them. Put yourself in their shoes and strive to understand their perspective. Validate their feelings without judging them. Saying, “I am sorry he/she made those comments about you” is a better response than, “That’s no reason to get upset” or “You’re overreacting. What he/she meant was…” A compassionate approach can create a safe space for open and honest dialogue. It can also reassure your spouse that you are a team and that they can count on you.
Practice Active Listening
When your spouse shares information about your ex-spouse, show interest. Put your phone down, turn off the TV or tablet, and look your spouse in the eye. Let your body language demonstrate openness and receptivity. Avoid interrupting or becoming defensive. Use reflective dialog by saying, “What I am hearing is that my ex-spouse _______.” Do not interrupt them or rehearse your response before they finish sharing with you. Avoid telling them how they should feel. Active listening skills like these can diffuse potential tension and foster a deeper connection.
Focus on Your Marriage & Blended Family
When tensions run high with a co-parent or high-conflict ex-spouse, it can be easy to allow that conflict to take center stage in your marriage. These relationships can become all-consuming if you are not careful. Instead of investing the bulk of your time and energy dealing with an ex-spouse, focus your attention on your marriage. Learn each other’s love languages. Talk about dreams for the future. Learn a new skill or hobby together (cooking, golf, canoeing, car maintenance, etc.). You will get a much better return on those investments.
Seek Professional Support if Needed
If discussions about ex-spouses become persistently challenging or emotionally charged, get help from a professional counselor or therapist who specializes in stepfamily dynamics. An objective third party can offer valuable insights, tools, and strategies for positive and productive conversations. Another option is to work with a marriage or stepfamily coach. These people have gone through rigorous training to walk with you through a difficult season.
Conversations about ex-spouses can be tricky, but you can make them positive and constructive. When you and your spouse set good ground rules, demonstrate empathy, and practice active listening, the discussions can bring you closer together and deepen your marriage. You can spend more time building your future and creating a godly legacy for your children and stepchildren.
Scott and Vanessa Martindale
Founders of Blended Kingdom Families
