7 Ways to Ease Sibling Rivalry in Blended Families

When families begin to blend, siblings and stepsiblings often get along great. They are getting to know each other and enjoy doing activities together. When the newness wears off and everyone settles in, sibling rivalry may creep in. Bringing children together under one roof can shake up family dynamics and breed conflicts. Competition over parental attention, belongings, and space (among other sources of conflict) can create disunity and resentment. The good news is that with patience, empathy, and practical strategies, you can help minimize conflicts and encourage your kids and bonus kids to form positive bonds.

Why Sibling Rivalry Intensifies in Blended Families

Sibling rivalry in any family often stems from children’s need to feel loved and secure. They may feel like they are competing for their parents’ love, time, energy, and financial resources. This rivalry can amp up in blended families for several reasons.

• Lack of biological and emotional ties between stepsiblings
• Resentment over sharing a home with new family members
• Concerns about being replaced by the new spouse and stepsiblings
• Territoriality over possessions and space, including bedrooms and bathrooms
• Differences in routines, traditions, parenting styles, food preferences, and discipline between two families
• Blending children of different ages and developmental stages

Strategies for Diffusing Sibling Rivalry in Blended Families

Some degree of sibling rivalry is normal. As they grow up, children gain important life skills like cooperation, generosity, and patience, but those skills have not fully developed. Hence the spats and arguments. However, excessive conflict can cause disruption and disunity, not only in your blended family but also in your marriage. As a parent or bonus parent, you can be proactive in helping your children and bonus children to get along better. Let’s talk about how.

1. Validate Feelings of Jealousy and Resentment

Blending families can stir up big, unpleasant emotions in children, including envy, resentment, anger, and fears of being replaced or forgotten. They may not be able to verbalize what they are feeling inside. If your child acts out, that may be a sign that they are struggling with their new family structure. Pull them aside and talk with them alone at an appropriate time. Ask open-ended questions, such as, “How are you feeling about all the changes in our family lately?” and “How can I help you feel more comfortable, safe, and happy at home?” Let your child openly express their concerns without interrupting. Empathize with them, validate their struggles as understandable, and reassure them of your unconditional love.

2. Give Intentional Time and Affection

Being in a blended family can feel like a whirlwind of schedules, homework, ball games, and going to the other parent’s house. It is easy for kids to feel lost in the shuffle, so it is important to give intentional time and affection to each of them. What that looks like will be different for each child, depending on their needs, developmental stage, and season of life. The point is not necessarily giving the same amount of time with each one (although they will notice huge discrepancies) but giving each child the same intentionality and focus. They need to feel seen, heard, and loved.

3. Establish New Family Traditions and Rituals

Children (and adults) bond over time and shared experiences. Creating new traditions for your blended family helps facilitate that bonding. Family activities, outings, and fun rituals go a long way toward establishing cohesiveness. Some ideas include weekly family movie or game nights, alternating who picks activities, camping trips, playing miniature golf, cooking meals together, hiking, volunteering as a blended family, and going to church together. You could also try a new sport or activity together. Making memories builds closeness.

4. Praise Positive Interactions

Whenever you see a kind gesture, sharing, cooperating, or bonding moment between siblings (bio or bonus), offer positive reinforcement. Compliment them on their behavior and how you enjoy seeing them getting along. Doing so motivates your kiddos to continue those behaviors in the future. It also builds a child’s self-esteem and confidence and lets them know that you see them. A little praise can go a long way.

5. Be Smart About Space

When you and your children move into your new spouse’s home with their children (or vice versa), this transition can create tension and conflict, especially when you are beginning to blend. The children already in the home may feel invaded, crowded, and overwhelmed by additional people in the house. On the other hand, the children moving into the home may feel displaced and uncomfortable, as if they are guests and do not belong there permanently.

If moving into a new home as a blended family is not possible, it is important to take proactive steps to ease the move-in process. As a couple, discuss who will be in each bedroom and who will share bedrooms. This may mean that the children already in the house may have a new bedroom or share a room. If possible, give them a room makeover with new bedding, curtains, and paint. Children sharing a room may choose distinctive styles or themes, and that is okay. The point is to give kid ownership of “their space.” As a part of their new space, create ground rules for respecting privacy and personal possessions.

Another proactive step is to create space in shared areas to accommodate any belongings that the new spouse and children may bring with them, such as a playroom, closets, family room, or den. For both families, this may be an opportunity for a big yard sale! Both families can choose which items they can live without so that there is equal space for everyone. Or you could donate the items as a family service project.

6. Pray Consistently

As you and your future spouse prepare for the wedding, begin praying for your children and bonus children-to-be (if you haven’t been praying before now). Ask God to pave the way for a smooth transition. Ask Him to cover your future family and home with peace and kindness. Ask the Holy Spirit to soothe and comfort the children as they are working through the emotions of their parents’ remarriage, changing homes (or rooms), changing schools, and other challenging adjustments. The enemy loves to attack the family unit and cause chaos, so it is important to intercede on behalf of your blended family.

In addition, make prayer a consistent practice as a blended family. Establish a family devotional time and allow the children to share concerns, big and small (pet fish included). You and your spouse can pray aloud in the beginning. Over time, as the kids become more comfortable in their new family structure, you can encourage the children to take turns praying aloud. You can also incorporate prayer into your daily routine (see Deuteronomy 6:1-9), such as on the way to school. This practice can help kids start their day in the right frame of mind, and as an added benefit, they cannot argue with each other as easily while you are praying aloud.

7. Go to Counseling Together

Blending families is a challenge for both adults and children, with a plethora of emotions, triggers, needs, misconceptions, and expectations at play. You can ease the tension and uncertainty by seeing a blended family therapist or coach before and after you blend your families into one. A neutral third party can provide an unbiased perspective, offer professional guidance, and mediate between children if necessary. BKF offers a coaching program in which individuals, couples, or the entire blended family can participate. We also recommend Sevn Therapy Co., a Christ-centered counseling center that offers a wide variety of services.

Hope for Sibling Rivalry in Blended Families

Blending families is an ultra-marathon, not a sprint, and a degree of sibling rivalry is normal. When tempers flare and arguments ensue, do not be discouraged. With care, patience, consistency, and a whole lot of prayer, stepsiblings can develop wonderfully close relationships over time. Be proactive about minimizing sources of jealousy and seek to create an environment of love and mutual respect for every person. You may not see any evidence, but God is always working, so you can trust that He is building strong sibling bonds.

Scott and Vanessa Martindale

Founders of Blended Kingdom Families