What to Do When Your Adult Children Don’t Want You to Remarry

You prayed for a partner and waited for God to answer. Eventually, He brings someone into your life, and you develop that special relationship. Now, you want to walk down the aisle again. But there’s a big problem: your adult children don’t want you to remarry. 

If that describes your situation, you are not alone. Other couples have walked this same path. Even if your children are grown and out of the nest, they may still resist the idea of their parents marrying again. There’s no one-size-fits-all solution to this problem, but there are some steps you might take.  

 1. Hear your children out.

Ask open-ended questions to get beneath the surface of their disapproval. You might discover that they are still wrestling with the effects of your divorce or loss of their other parent. They might be afraid of being replaced by this new person. They may secretly wish you would get back together with your ex-spouse. Or, they may see major red flags about your spouse-to-be or your possible marriage. .

Proverbs 12:15 says, “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.” If your children express continued concern for you,  pause and listen to their objections and observations–without getting defensive or interrupting. Their apprehension may be well-founded. They might be able to spot unhealthy behaviors or patterns, inconsistencies, or predatory behavior in your love interest. 

On the other hand, they may have misconceptions or fears that you can address. In most cases, your children want the best for you and don’t want you to get hurt. In the end, though, the decision to marry (or not) the person is in your hands. .

2. Explain your needs.

Express your desire for love and companionship. Be honest about being lonely. Share your dreams and hopes for your future. Sometimes, adult children don’t stop to think about what their parents might need because they don’t think about their emotional, physical, or desire for a spouse. You are Mom or Dad, and with that title comes preconceived notions of what you need and want. 

At the same time, validate your adult children’s feelings. Even if you disagree with them, you can demonstrate empathy as they work through anxiety, fear, anger, and other emotions. Let them know you understand their perspective and appreciate their desire to protect you. Continue to have these open discussions before and after you remarry. 

3. Introduce the person early and gradually.

No adult child wants to get an email or text that says, “I’ve been dating this great person, and we’re headed to the Bahamas to get married!” All kidding aside, let your kiddos get to know the person you are dating seriously. Plan casual get-togethers or activities where everyone can interact in a relaxed setting. This approach allows them to form their opinions and develop a relationship organically.

If you live away from your children, talk with them about your new relationship early on. Share how you met and what interests you share. Set up some video chats that include your significant other. You could even play a trivia game together or watch the same movie at the same time and talk about it later. You may need to get creative, but it’s worth the effort.

4. Be patient.

Relationships take time to evolve. Give your adult children time to adjust to the idea of your remarriage. They may come to see the positive aspects of your new relationship, but that won’t happen overnight. Give your adult children space to process their feelings. Pressuring them may create further resistance. The process may be smoother if you provide ample opportunities for them to interact with this new person in your life (see point above). 

5. Involve them in planning.

Keeping them in the loop can help them feel included and respected during this transition. For example, you can ask for their thoughts on the guest list, ceremony details, venue selection, attire, or the reception. If appropriate and your partner agrees, offer your adult children roles in the ceremony or reception, such as giving a reading Scripture, making a speech, praying for you, or participating in a unity ceremony. However, remember that the final decision is up to you and your soon-to-be spouse.

6. Reassure them of your love.

Even though they are grown and flown, adult children still need the steadfast love of their parents. Reassure them that your love for them remains unchanged even though you are changing the dynamic of your family. Remind them that your decision to remarry does not diminish your love and commitment to them and does not diminish the importance of your bond with them.

7. Establish boundaries.

Allowing your child to share their perspectives does not permit them to interfere with your new relationship. Nor do they have the freedom to criticize or put down your new spouse. They do not have a right to disrespect or attempt to undermine your new marriage. That goes for your ex-spouse and extended family members, too. Communicate consequences for repeatedly crossing a boundary, such as stopping the conversation or leaving the room.

8. Respect their boundaries.

Understand that your adult children have established lives of their own. Don’t expect them to be overly involved in your new relationship or to treat your new partner as a parental figure. ​ However, you can continue to invite them to events or activities, such as dinner or a birthday gathering, and allow them to determine how much they want to be involved.

9. Seek professional help.

If communication becomes strained or if there are deep-seated issues, consider involving a family therapist or counselor. A neutral third party can help you navigate the transition and maintain healthy relationships. They can also help you spot guilt trips or emotional manipulation your children may be using.

10. Seek the Lord together.

When you remarry, steep your relationship in prayer, reading Scripture, and godly community. God can bless your new marriage when He is the center of it. Ask Him to strengthen your marriage and give you wisdom as you deal with any negative attitudes or behavior from adult children or extended family members. Pray against any work of the enemy in your relationships with family and friends. 

Remember, every family is unique, and there is no one-size-fits-all solution for every situation. However,  patience, boundaries, empathy, and ongoing communication are crucial in navigating this challenging situation. Prioritize your new marriage while working to maintain a healthy relationship with your adult children.

Scott and Vanessa Martindale

Founders of Blended Kingdom Families