What Teens Say: 11 Do’s and Don’ts of Effective Co-Parenting

As parents, we know separation and divorce affect our kids. We understand the significant impact on their well-being when we marry again. That is one reason co-parenting is a regular topic Blended Kingdom Families addresses. But what if we could hear directly from them?

Through our initiative, Blended Kingdom Teens (BKT), we hear teens expressing their needs, emotions, and frustrations. And they have a lot to say about divorce, remarriage, and blending families. We have compiled their thoughts and ideas into this blog. While we often talk about co-parenting from our perspective, this post comes from theirs.

Even if we do not have teens (yet), their struggles often stem back to childhood. Hopefully, teens’ concerns can provide insight into their experiences and encourage you to pursue a better relationship with your co-parent, kids, and bonus kids.

Unhealthy Co-Parenting Behaviors

While teens do not use the term “unhealthy co-parenting behaviors,” they do talk about how they have been hurt by their parents, bonus parents, and extended family. They share how divorce has affected them. They tell us about situations that make them uncomfortable, sad, angry, confused, isolated, and lost:

Bashing the other parent

Teens tell us that trash-talking about the other parent puts them (and kids) between a rock and a hard place. They love both parents and do not want to choose where their loyalties lie Unfortunately, some co-parents try to get their kids “on their side” (even unintentionally), which puts teens in an impossible situation. They can question what they have been told when what they experience differs from the negative narrative. This can lead to resentment and distrust toward their parents and other adults.

Bashing the other parent can also damage teens’ self-identity and create deep-seated emotional turmoil. They often internalize the negative comments, leading to self-doubt and psychological distress. Because they see themselves as a product of both parents, teens believe they possess the same negative traits. This can lead teens to question their worth now and into adulthood.

Using kids as messengers

Making kids and teens the messenger places a burden they cannot (and should not) carry. It puts kids in the middle of their parents’ battles and forces them to deal with the emotional trauma it places on them. Being the go-between can cause anxiety, guilt, anger, and resentment because they feel responsible for managing their parents’ relationship. It forces kids and teens into the adult role as mediator, which can derail their emotional growth and damage their sense of safety and security. They wish their parents would leave them out of arguments and passive-aggressive attempts to hurt each other.

Refusing to communicate with the ex-spouse

While not speaking to your ex-spouse may seem like a better alternative to fights and disagreements, teens say such stand-offs are detrimental to them. Refusing to engage with your co-parent can lead to inconsistent parenting, resulting in different rules for each house. Kids are forced to adjust to the shifting expectations every time they transition between houses. According to teens, the mental gymnastics required takes a toll on them. They get confused and frustrated because essential information falls through the cracks, which can impact them significantly.

Teens also say their parents’ lack of communication sets a bad example. They do not know how to resolve conflict, agree to disagree, or compromise. They see the fallout from their parents’ divorce and worry about their ability to build and maintain a healthy marriage in the future.

Fostering a “my time vs. their time” attitude

Teens do not like hearing their parents compare or complain about “my time.” They can sense the tension and competition and do not know how to handle it. This battle for time becomes another situation in which they feel caught in the middle.

In addition, being unbending with “my time” removes teens’ sense of control at a stage when they want (and need) more freedom to make their own choices. They say they feel guilty when they want to spend time with friends, play sports, or do other things because it means less time with whichever parent they are with. If they choose to spend time with a parent, they feel like they are missing out on their social life (which is important). They feel caught in a no-win situation.

Favoring biological kids over bonus kids

Teens tell us they know when their bonus parent(s) treat their biological kids better than them (their bonus kids) and say it hurts them deeply. Bonus teens notice the difference in rules, emotional support, and time and attention. They also know when extended family members favor bio teens over bonus teens. They feel excluded, unimportant, and less valued. They can wonder, “What is wrong with me? Why doesn’t my stepparent want to spend time with me?” On the other hand, biological teens in a blended family can feel guilty or uncomfortable about their parent’s favoritism. They know their stepsiblings are not treated fairly, but they do not know how to resolve the problem.

The different treatment also creates barriers between kids and bonus kids, an “Us vs. Them” situation. Favoritism breeds resentment, hurt feelings, conflict, and arguments. Bonus teens do not know how not to feel angry and resentful toward their favored stepsiblings. They do not have the emotional maturity to recognize their biological teens are not at fault.

Healthy Co-Parenting Practices

Teens who share with us also discuss the positive actions and attitudes they wish their parents and bonus parents would adopt. They know how they want their parents to behave and how they (teens) want to be treated. Here are some things they have shared.

Focus on what the kids need

Teens want their parents to put their kids’ needs at the forefront when they make decisions that affect them. They want parents to prioritize cooperation over conflict, and they want their parents to think about how kids are affected by their parents’ anger, resentment, pettiness, and other toxic behavior toward each other. They believe their parents are so focused on “winning” or making the other person miserable that they do not see what it does to them (teens) now and in the future.

Teens want parents to put aside their differences for the sake of the kids. When they are not the focus of co-parenting conversations, they can develop bitterness and resentment toward both parents, damaging the parent-child relationships in the future. On the other hand, a healthy co-parenting relationship shows teens how to resolve conflict, respect others, and

Encourage relationships with the other family

Teens say that when parents bash the other family, they feel trapped between both families. They do not know where they belong in either family, which makes them feel insecure in both homes. They are afraid to talk about positive, fun experiences with one parent because they do not want to hurt the other parent’s feelings.

However, when their biological parents encourage relationships with teens’ bonus parents and bonus siblings, teens feel secure and safe in their expanded family network. By fostering these relationships, parents demonstrate maturity and commitment to allow their teens and bonus teens to thrive. This can create an environment of mutual respect and reduce the likelihood of loyalty conflicts.

Be H.O.T. (Honest, Open, and Transparent)

Teens want parents to be honest, open, and transparent. They tell us that age-appropriate honesty builds trust and understanding. When parents tell half-truths or lie about the other parent and family, teens say they will eventually gain the awareness and maturity to figure out the truth. They become distrustful of the lying parent as a result. Teens say, “If they lied to me about this, what else have they lied about?”

Teens want to be able to ask questions and have discussions with a parent to process their emotions and experiences. This means answering their questions truthfully without burdening them with inappropriate details. It also means acknowledging teens’ difficult emotions without brushing them off or diminishing them. They want (and need) to express their feelings and concerns freely, which is crucial for their emotional health.

Give kids a voice in decisions

Kids of all ages want to feel valued and heard in the co-parenting arrangement. They want their opinions and thoughts to be considered. Giving kids a voice can involve simple choices, such as what they would like to be in their room at the other house. Older children and teens want a voice regarding their living arrangements. By involving them in decisions that affect them, parents demonstrate respect for their feelings and autonomy. It also gives them some control when they feel helpless about their parents’ divorce and remarriage.

Get professional help when needed

Teens know you are hurting but they do not want to be a sounding board or friend. They want you to see a professional counselor or certified coach to work through your pain; they already have pain to process, too. Professionals have the education and tools to help you heal and address ongoing issues. They can provide valuable strategies for navigating complex co-parenting situations, help you develop better communication skills, and coach you on resolving conflicts more effectively. It offers a neutral space to address ongoing issues and learn new coping mechanisms. Counselors and coaches can also help parents understand the impact of their behaviors on their teens and children and suggest ways to less negative effects. It also sets a positive example for teens who may be uncertain about going to a counselor.

Seek God

Above all, teens want you to seek an intimate relationship with God. Walking with Jesus can give you healing, strength, hope, and direction for challenging co-parenting situations. They need you to demonstrate Christ-like character and fruits of the Spirit, such as love, peace, patience, kindness, and self-control. They need you to pray for them. Your relationship with Jesus provides an anchor (Hebrews 6:19) amidst family changes (even though they would not use those words). It can give them an example to follow now and in the future.

Effective co-parenting is a journey that requires ongoing effort, patience, and commitment from both parents. By avoiding toxic behaviors such as parental bashing and favoritism, and by embracing healthy practices like open communication and honesty, parents can create a safe environment for teens. A positive co-parenting relationship provides stability, love, and support for children and teens, regardless of the upheaval they experience. In doing so, co-parents can nurture well-adjusted, happy kids who feel secure in their relationships with both parents.